Within Darkness
by Kyoshi-Angel of Artisan
Summary: What was it really like for Gohan to train in the time chamber with Goku and what was it like to really fight Cell. What will Piccolo do when he notices the change in his young friend? One shot song-fic


**Disclaimer:** I don't Own Dragon Ball Z or any of its characters. Nor do I own the rights to Heaven's not Enough; Composer by: Yoko Kanno and Performer by: Steve Conte

**Description:** What was it really like for Gohan to train in the time chamber with Goku and what was it like to really fight Cell. What will Piccolo do when he notices the change in his young friend? One shot song-fic

**Speech changes:**

**/Normal Gohan(the one we all know and Love)/**

**\\Dark Gohan\\**

'_**Mental talk between characters'**_

"Normal speech"

_Lyrics_

~Dreams~

**Within Darkness: Gohan's POV**

We watched Vegeta and Trunks walk out of the time chamber. Besides how strong they got, the only thing that changed was how long Trunk's hair had gotten. I think it suited him though, he didn't look so hard edge like his father was but softer and gentler and more true to himself though that's just my take on it, I'm sure the other's would see it differently than I do.

**\\ You know you can't survive in there for long, right? That you're only going to get in their way like you always do. \\** I heard that voice again. That dark taunting voice that has fallowed me everywhere I went; always listening and always giving its input. Ignoring it for now I focused on what was going on around me. Entering the Time Chamber and getting stronger to beat the Androids and Cell. I looked over at Piccolo who was stair off into space. I know he did it a lot but this time seemed different. Maybe it was because he merged with Kami that he's changed. I don't know, maybe I'm looking for something that isn't there.

'_**You sure you want to go through with this kid?'**_ I jumped hearing his voice. It both startled me yet it soothed my nerves. I flashed him a smile.

'_**Yeah I'm sure. I've come too far to turn back now. Besides, I don't want to be left further behind then you guys already left me. I'll see you in a year, okay Piccolo?'**_ Truth being told, I rather be going into the time chamber with him than dad but I can only become a super saiyan if I train with dad.

'_**See you tomorrow kid, train well.' **_I nodded to him before fallowing dad though the door into a white building. He showed me around inside before leading me outside to a vast blankness.

**\\ haha you're in the plan of suck! This is to rich. You're going to break faster than I first thought\\** I clenched my fists. As I watched dad walk out off the steps and a few steps out into the whiteness.

"Now careful with that first step, it's a deuce. Also, careful how far you go, the further from the building the stronger the gravity gets, not to mention you can get lost if you go too far away from it. Oh and conditions here can get kind of extreme so watch out for it okay. You can also see why I barely lasted a month in here when I was a boy." I looked around not believing what I was seeing. No wonder Piccolo asked if I was sure I wanted to do this.

"Got it dad, don't worry about me, I'll work hard so I wound slow down your training too much" I said clenching my fist tighter as I walked towards him. I tried not to let the gravity affect me too much as I walked up to him. Shocked confusion filled his face as he looked down at me, like he didn't know what I was talking about. I didn't know what to say so I just stared back up at him waiting for him to say what to do first. I could have easily said we should get started but I didn't trust myself to speak, not rate now when that voice was taunting me.

"Come Gohan, let's get started but don't feel like you have to try to keep up with me you never trained under different gravity before but you'll get there with time, ok?" I nodded with a familiar smirk that I would wear when Piccolo and I would train together.

_heaven's not enough __  
__if when you get there.. __  
_

~I'm standing outside on a cliff under the night sky, looking up at the stars, lost in my own thoughts. Peace, plain and simple. A soothing balm for a weary soul; how I wish I could spend hours looking up at the stars, only to get lost within their natural beauty. The darkness of it the night sky reminded me of Piccolo's eyes; dark and endless yet so full of beauty. I slowly I floated down from the cliff to the lake below. 

Staring into the mirrored blackness of the water, I saw myself on the surface. Standing there, I couldn't look away from my own eyes. Do I really look so dark all the time or is it because of my own perception that it looks like it. I didn't know the answer but how could I? Ever since I was little I was told I was a weak, whiny, snivelling brat who was only in the way. I hate myself. I can't do anything right. Nothing I do pleases my mother and no matter how strong I think I am its still not enough to be of any use to anyone. 

**\\ Don't you see how tired you are? You need to rest. How about you and I switch, you rest while I take control for awhile.\\** the reflection says, moving on its own. I smile looking down at it.

**/ Okay but just for a little while... then I need to go back to training. I have to get stronger./** I said as it reaches out of the blackness for me. Letting it pull me into the water was easy. It felt so safe and warm. At first at least then it started to get cold and the surface froze over.

**\\ I'm sorry but I can't let you take over again... your much too weak to do anything useful. Just watch from there as I take what we always wanted.\\** I didn't know what he was talking about. Then I saw something come towards us. It was Piccolo. I felt hope, he would save me from the frozen lake. He would see that the boy in front of him isn't me. 

"Gohan there you are, I knew I felt you out here. The question is why you're out here though kid?" I banged on the ice, yelling his name yet he didn't even seem to know I was there. My heart sank. How could he be so close yet so far away? The one person I could always count on was one who couldn't hear me now, when I needed him the most.

**\\ You can't see it though, you always need him. You need him there for the little things and you need him there for the big things. You just need, and I'm going to give you want you want.\\** the Dark Gohan said. I didn't know what he was talking about. I was powerless to stop what was going on and yet I couldn't look away from what was transpiring between the dark me and Piccolo.

"You see Piccolo, I came out here to see you...to 'be' with you" He said with mock innocents as he walked towards Piccolo, slowly, purposefully and provocatively. I felt my eyes widen as he reached Piccolo. Slowly he floated himself up so that he could reach Piccolo's lips. I whimpered. I wanted to be the one to taste those lips and yet all I could do was watch as my mentor/friend kiss the dark me, holding him instead of me. I watched the kiss deepen before it ebbed away as Piccolo pulled back.

"Gohan?"

"Please Piccolo...I can't stop what I feel for you. When your around, I feel alive and I'm happy. When you're gone, I feel dead inside. Please don't send me away. Don't make me feel dead inside. Let me be with you now and forever..." Their eyes met and for a second I saw the resistance in Piccolo's eyes then it vanished away. Slowly Piccolo leaned in to kiss the Dark Gohan who had no problem giving himself over to the kiss, getting himself lost in Piccolo's embrace. 

A tear ran down my check. I closed my eyes to steady myself. When I opened them I'm standing in the middle of a waste land, before me a man with green and black skin stands, his back to me watching the mountains. I looked over to see 7 blue figures attacking my friends. I wanted to scream for it to stop but I couldn't. I had no voice. I had no will of my own. I couldn't move, I could barely bring myself to breath.~ 

I shot up looking around. I was laying on one of bed that was in the Time Chamber. I felt a hot tear roll down my check along with the sweat that rolled down my back. I didn't know how I ended up on the bed but I was there. I moved to get off the bed, headed for the kitchen to grab some water and something to snack on. My body felt weak and unsteady. I opened the fridge to find that it was stocked with beer and other drinks. I never had one before in my life but rate now, anything seems better for me after that dream.

"Come on Gohan get a hold of yourself, it was just a dream, it wasn't real." I whispered to myself as I reached for a beer. I grabbed a banana as I walked out, heading for the stairs. I saw dad way off in the distance training alone. He had was light years ahead of where I was. Not only did he want me to catch up to where he is now but surpass it. I didn't know if I could do it, yet I feel like he was depending on me to live up to that order.

I cracked open the beer and took a drink. It was bitter at first yet had a likeable after taste. Slowly I ate the fruit. "Gohan what are you drink?" I was so lost in thought that I didn't even notice he had come over to me.

"A beer I had a nightmare and needed something to calm myself down with. I figured I try it at least." No point in lying about it. I didn't know how to tell him about it without sounding crazy even though I felt it.

**\\ That's because you are crazy\\**

**/Shut up, I can't handle you rate now/**

"Gohan you shouldn't be having that stuff. Not only will it mess with your body but with you mind." He said sitting beside me, staring out into the blankness of time.

"Yeah, like my mind is normally fine to begin with." I whispered before taking another drink from the can. I don't think he heard me, if he did he didn't press forward with the conversation.** \\ that's because he doesn't want to admit that his only child is bat-shit crazy\\ **I fished the can off, putting it and the banana peel away before heading out to train.

_just another blue __  
__and heaven's not enough __  
_

That became the norm that I knew for the next three weeks. Train till I blacked out, have that same dream, have a banana with a beer before going back to training. I still ate meals with dad and we talked but never about me drinking a beer every day or the lack of sleep I was getting.

**\\ He keeps staring at us you know. He's looking to see how insane you really are. It's only a matter of time before he does see it, when he does see it, he'll send you away for being so weak. You can't do anything on your own after all.\\** I growled at the voice. The one I would trust in my dreams but never trusted while awake.

It's how I became a super saiyan, self hate. I hated the voice in my head and wanted it to shut up but the angrier I got, the louder it became. The reason I hid from everyone of why I hesitate to fight so much. I'm not scared of the enemy; I'm more scared of myself and what I might do if I ever lost total control of myself.

"Gohan are you listening to me?" I blinked looking over at dad. I didn't hear him till now. I didn't know what to say. I just looked down at the table again. "Gohan, what's going on with you? You're not sleeping and the beer a day thing has to stop. Talk to me Gohan, I'm here to help remember." I sighed.

"What you call help isn't help dad. You want to help me, you wouldn't have pushed me to fight, none of you would have. I'm not a hero like you are and I don't want to be. It's not who I am. I don't want to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders." I said softly. It was partly a lie. I like the fighting, it made the voice go away for a while but I wasn't lying about the weight of the world.

"Gohan? is this truly how you feel about this?" there was something in his voice that didn't believe me or couldn't believe it. I slunk further back from him curling up on myself.

**\\ Told you he would figure it out\\**

**/Just shut up!/** I screamed in my pounding head; a headache that never ended. It dulled for about an hour after the beer before that would clear. I didn't know what to do anymore.

**\\ Let me take over and the pain will stop\\**

**/ In your fucking dreams/**

**\\ In my dreams kid, I'm fucking your Piccolo while I make you watch it happen\\** I growled again getting up suddenly. I felt a hand on my shoulder. I blocked my mind from his where the voice comes from. I couldn't let dad know about it. I couldn't lose the one thing we have to bound with.

"Gohan... go get some sleep, you're only going to hurt yourself if you keep this up." Nodded, I did what he told me to do. After a long hot bath and a conversation with the other voice I laid back on my bed naked. I didn't care at the moment that I wasn't wearing anything. In a few hours, it would be dripping with sweat anyways.

_you think you've found it __  
__and it loses you __  
_

~I standing on before a green and black figure that's misshapen and deformed; it stagers to get back up on its feet. I can smirk darkly and lick my lips as I walk towards the figure. I try to stop myself from going towards the figure yet I'm powerless against my own body as it takes me along for the ride. I watch my body beat on the figure and blast pieces of it away, just for it to grow back just so I can do it over again.

**\\ Your a monster, you know that. You might try to hide what you are but deep down, you've always know you're a monster. When the truth comes out, you won't have a single friend who stands by your side. They'll leave, repulsed by who you really are.\\**

In a blink of the eye I'm standing on the lookout with the others but their eyes are filled with hate and sickness aimed at me. Piccolo's eyes, the ones that always accept me shine with the emotions before he turns from me. "You not welcomed here no more, this is a place for pure souls and you're not pure" I hear Dende yell at me. I blink, looking over at Vegeta, who glares back. 

"What about Vegeta? He did kill a whole village of your people Dende?"

"Compared to you, the man is a saint. Frieza is a saint put up against you." I flinched, that was harsh. I turned to leave.

"Don't you dare go back to that house, you're not wanted there either. Goku and I have no son" I heard mom yell at me. I took off, heading for a cave that I used to hid from the world. Landing at its entrance, noting about the tiny cave changed. It was still just as small as I remember it but at least it was a place to myself where no one would chase me from. 

In a blink ever thing changed again. I was standing by the lack that Piccolo first dropped me into when we first met after his and dads fight with Raditz. I'm not alone. Piccolo's there with me. I smile as I turn to look at him only to find that he's already dead, laying on the ground. His head which had been ripped off his body laying at the feet of his body. I move to go to him when I notice purple blood on my hands. I couldn't stop the scream that ripped free from my body. 

_you've thought of all there is __  
__but not enough __  
__and it loses you in a cloud_

I sat up on the bed, screaming the same scream that I had in my dream. After a moment I managed to stop the scream. I just sat there panting, letting the tears roll down my face. "Gohan?" I looked over at my dad. He was standing at the doorway. A look of pain flashed across his face when our eyes met.

"I can't do it dad. I can't handle the nightmares anymore. I'm sick was watching everyone one in my dreams die or hate me...I just want it to stop...I just want to go back to being normal, I want the voice to just leave me alone." I choked out. It hurt to talk after that scream. I didn't know what to do anymore, just that I couldn't do it alone anymore. I needed someone to know someone to talk to about what I saw in my dreams.

I watched dad walk out of the room and my heart sank. He said he wanted to help and when I finally open up to him he leaves me. I coughed and choked on a cry that wanted to escape. "Here, you look like you need a drink. I shouldn't have say anything about it, but I didn't know Gohan...I'm sorry. You should have said something. I wouldn't have brought you in here had I known." I looked at him wide eye. He had brought more than just a beer with him he sat four on the bed, passed one to me and kept the last to himself.

"But you guys needed me, what was I suppose to do?" I whispered taking a long slow drink from the can.

"Is that why you train so hard? Why you push yourself to the breaking point every day?" I nod at least he was getting why I pushed myself so hard all the time.

"Training and sparing matches keep the voice from talking but real combat is iffy. It can work to keep the voice quite but it can also make it louder and stronger." I said looking at the can in my hands. I didn't tell him about the anger part of it. We needed my anger in order to train. As much as it hurt me to do it, I have to push myself through the mental pain so that I can help save everyone.

That became our norm. On my good days I would have a beer. On my bad days, dad and I would sit and talk while I drank myself numb. It was the only time I go any sleep longer than 3 or 4 hours. It's how we passed the rest of the year. We stood at the door ready to leave the Time chamber. I was going to miss it in here. At least I have a coping system in here, out there in the real world, I didn't, it was too easy to get caught by mom and she would take me to a shrink if she found out I was drinking. It would do any good for her to find out that I was crazy.

_"there" most everything is nothin' __  
__that it seems __  
__"where" you see the things you only wanna see __  
_

I fallowed dad out into the bright light of day. I blinked as my eyes adjusted to seeing sunlight after a year. I blinked noticed everyone's stunned faces. Looking up at the clock I can see why. We still had 4 more hours in the time chamber that we didn't use. I looked at dad for an answer but he didn't even look back at me.

'**Gohan what the hell happened in there, you screamed ever 20 minutes that we all heard then there was silence then it would happen again.' **I flinched hearing Piccolo's voice in my head. I had gotten use to only having to hear one voice that it didn't seem right to hear him telepathically yet it was the only way we really talked around the others.

'**Just had nightmares, that's all...'**

**\\ Haha like those where nightmares, you know what they really are, you just don't want to admit that you can see the future and you don't like what you see\\**

'**Bullshit Gohan, they weren't just nightmares. I've seen you have nightmares before and you'd never woke up screaming like that.'** I looked at the tile floor as dads stomach rumbled. It didn't take long before food was put before us. After dad explained why we haven't eaten much but that's because he kept asking me to cook when I was at the point where all I wanted to do was pass out.

'**Can we talk about this later, please?'** I asked back as I ate. I blinked half listening to the others try to talk to dad while he was eating. Every time he would talk with his mouth full of food. I think he did it to bug Vegeta who looked degusted every time like it didn't just happen. I laughed at it, it seemed so normal and we'll better then it just being dad, the voice and myself.

"Okay, Goku try that again, this time without the food in your mouth." Piccolo said getting frustrated with dad. I smiled brightly at it. I missed being able to get lost in the other's talks because I didn't have to turn in on myself for entertainment.

"What I said was, I suck a cooking and Gohan keep pushing himself to train to the point where he nearly passed out every time, we hadn't had a really good home cooked meal for almost a year." He said with a grin. I caught the glare from Piccolo and Vegeta from that one. I moved to help Mr. Popo clean up the dishes while dad talked with the others. I didn't want to talk about or think about why I did it. It hasn't even been a day yet and I'm already wishing I had a beer to calm myself down with.

_I'd fly away __  
__to a higher plane __  
__to say words I resist __  
__to float away __  
__to sigh __  
__to breathe... forget _

I felt a hand on my shoulder that led me down the hall from the Kitchen that I just left. I was lead to a room. Once inside I turned to look at Piccolo as he leaned against the door, keeping me in the room with him. "Spill it Gohan, what happened in the Time Chamber?" I sat on the bed looking down at my lap. I didn't know where to start. I tried several time to just start talking but it just didn't work. I couldn't make my voice work. "Damn it Gohan, just answer the question." He snapped I looked up at him. I knew the tears were welling up. The look of his face was that of sudden regret for snapping. He walked away from the door, kneeling before me. One of his larger hands covered both of mine while the other cupped my face. With his thumb he wiped the first tear away.

I kept trying to talk to say something but nothing came out. Instead of words more tears spilled forth. I barely heard the knock on the door. We looked at it as it opened. Dad slipped into the room closing the door behind him. "I get your having a private talk rate now but I figured you wanted this to try to deal with things Gohan. Next time, don't wait so long. If you need one let me know. I rather you just rest as much as you can." He passed me a bottle of beer before turning to leave the room again.

"Goku are you crazy giving you son that? He's not even 11 yet." I flinched, staring at the beer in my hands. I wanted the soothing balm that it became for me but I didn't want the fighting that came from it.

"You really hadn't told him about it yet... Gohan... I get that it's hard for you to be open about it but you need to be, at least with those you trust must. That way you won't be alone to deal with it. After the Cell games, I'm taking you to get medication for it, Beer's not going to work forever and well I'm not going to fight with your mother about it. Got it?" I nodded as he left the room. Piccolo locked the door before taking the beer from me.

"Gohan what the hell was he talking about?" He asked, a growl in his voice. I got up and moved closer to him. I had to know once and for all if what I was feeling for him was one sided out not. If it was; I'll lie to him, if he returned it; I'd be honest with him. I told dad because I had no choice about it. He saw how hard it was for me to cope with the voice and the nightmares. I floated up so that I was just short of eye level. I didn't bother reaching for the beer. He wouldn't let me have it without a damn good reason. Instead I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his.

**\\ What the hell do you think you're doing? He's mine, not yours\\** the voice growled darkly. The second after our lips touched. Even in the rare dreams that aren't nightmares, his lips were never this soft, nor were he this warm. He pushed me back from him seconds later. I landed and moved away from him walking over to the window to star out of it.

"What the hell Gohan. I've been more of a father to you in your life then you dad has...where the hell did that come from?" I couldn't breathe, it hurt too much to. I expected it to go badly but I wasn't expecting how much it would hurt to hear the disgust in his voice.

"So the other Gohan was right...I'm not worthy of love...I'm just a monster like the dreams showed..." I whispered broken heartily. Maybe it would be best if I let the other takeover, while I faded away. I wouldn't have to face any more pain.

"Did you lose your mind in the time chamber? Or did Goku hit you in the head to hard?" I hung my head and let the tears flow. My head was really starting to hurt and my heart ached so bad that I thought I had contracted the heart virus.

"Neither! But then you wouldn't understand. Dad doesn't understand. No one does or will." I snapped as I sank to the floor curling up on myself. I didn't want the world to see me broken or know how sick I was. Yet here I was breaking down before the one person that I could ever love not only had I sort of confessed it to him and he rejected it but I was also losing face.

"Damn it Gohan! Talk to me, make me understand" I froze looking at him. He was leaning against the wall on the other side of the room where I left him after he pushed me away when I kissed him.

**\\ He's lying! He doesn't really want to know that you're a freak. Think about it. If he turned you away when you held yourself together, he'll hate you now that you're falling apart. Let me take over and I'll get him to understand\\ **I shook my head, while clutching at my hair.

"I wont...I won't let you take over... even if they all hate me and send me away, I won't let you free to hurt any of my friends"

"Gohan?" crap I didn't think that, I said it. I felt the weight of his hand on my shoulder. I pulled away from him backing myself up into a corner. "Gohan...please... let me in"

"I tried and you pushed me away." Chocked out, not bothering to look at him. It was too painful to. "I trusted you with my heart and you broke it...why would I trust you with my already broke mind?" I cried into my arms and legs. I just wanted everything to go away. I didn't care anymore; nothing was worth saving in my world. Everything lost its color; everything was dark and twisted from what it once was.

I felt arms warp around me, pulling me against a body. It was enough to cause me to look up at him. He used his fore finger and a thumb to keep me from looking away again. His lips met mine, I gasped at the touch he didn't waste the opening. His tongue darted in, exploring my mouth. **'I'm sorry Gohan, I didn't mean to hurt you. I just don't get or understand this whole love thing. I don't know what you would call what I feel for you, but I don't want to see you in pain or hurt, I rather see you happy.'** I uncurled myself, pressing my body against his the best I can. Slowly the kiss heat up yet ended.

"Gohan, you can tell me anything you, you know that right?" I nodded as I clung to him. I didn't want to lose what little chance I had of holding him that I would get. I did something that I knew was a bad idea. I didn't let dad hear the voice but I wanted to show Piccolo I trusted him.

**\\ You know that once I break free and gain control the first thing I'm going to do is kill him for loving you instead of me. I'm the side that best suits his need for world domination, all you do is whine about how scare you always are...\\ **

"Gohan what the hell are you thinking?" I let him hear it, though it wasn't the best time to do so with it. I stopping listing to what the voice was say till I let Piccolo listen to it.

"That's the voice I hear. I call it Dark Gohan... the side of me that's not afraid to fight and kill; the side that's locked up like my hidden powers. He's always been there for as long as I can remember. He's the reason dad let me drink. I wasn't coping with being left alone with him for so long in the time chamber. He's the reason for the screams you heard from me." I whispered fearing how Piccolo would react to it. I was ready to be pushed away, instead Piccolo only held me tighter.

"I won't let that darkness take you Gohan. We've come too far together to lose each other now" I nodded against him not letting go of him. I didn't even really notice when he moved us from the floor to lay on his bed. His lips found mine again. I groaned into the kiss, pulling him as close to me as we could get. He moaned back raking his claws lighting down my sides as he reached for the bottom of my shirt. I didn't stop him. I didn't move to stop him as his fingers slowly brushed against my skin. I couldn't hold my super saiyan form. I wasn't as well trained as dad way with it. At the moment I didn't want that control.

We broke apart from the kiss log enough to pull off the shirt and armor. I licked neck, laying nibbles on the skin there. "I know you won't. You've always been there for me. You're the one who gives me the strength to fight against him." I whispered against his neck. His response was to claim mine again with his own. It wasn't sweet or gentle but rough and passionate. I followed his lead; I couldn't for the life of me fight him for control. My hands ran down his chest finding the sash around his waist. I worked it free. The need for air forced us to break the kiss. I felt dizzy from the kiss and all the more needy for him.

His hands caught my wrist. I look up at him blinking, wondering if I did something wrong. "Gohan, we need to slow down a minute...we're going too fast, your only 11, we shouldn't be doing this." I flinched and moved my hands that started to shake, off him.

**\\ Oh that rich! Not only are you weak but you also can't please him. He's already regretting picking you. You're such a failure.\\** I didn't know if I could handle it anymore. The lost of that heat from him and the hate from the other side of me, was a blow to my pride that I wasn't sure I could recover from. I kept my eyes closed. His figures brushed against my cheek. I turned my head slightly away.

"Gohan...?"

"I can't do the hot and cold act rate now Piccolo, I get that enough from myself. I know what I want Piccolo I have for years I'm not that much younger then you, so I don't see a problem with what we we're doing but I'm not going to force you to do something that you don't want to do." I said. I wanted to move away from him, to leave him with his thoughts but with him pinning me to the bed, I had nowhere to go unless he moved away first.

**\\ You're a fool too, you know he hates weakness and yet that's all you give him. Are you that retarded? If you're this pathetic here in bed, how much worse are you on the battle field? Oh wait, I know that answer. You're the reason why the man above you died, the reason why dad was killed. You bring nothing but shame and disappointment to the warriors around you. \\ **I couldn't breathe. I couldn't argue with the voice on that one.

"Is this really what you want Gohan?" the tone in his voice was that of one that my mother uses when she's humoring me even though it wasn't something she wanted to do. I thought I hid the look of hurt but when he moved away I knew I failed to hide it from him. I sat up and moved to get up from the bed.

"What I want Piccolo if for that passion you showed me earlier. I can live with never hearing you say that you love me or even be my boyfriend but I can't live knowing you can't at least let me in from time to time and share with me what's really going on in your head. Do me a favor, give the beer back to my dad, I'm going for a flight, I need to be alone." I whispered leaving the room before he could stop me.

_and heaven's not enough __  
__if when I'm there I don't remember you __  
_

I landed on the rocky shore; the smell of salty air was soothing on my weary soul. I needed to calm my body but the memory of Piccolo's passion, kept my member hard and aching. I sighed. Maybe I should give into the wishes of the other Gohan and just disapper. I'm not doing any good here.

"Gohan...buddy do you want to talk about it?"

"What's there to talk about Dad? I'm a pathetic weak failure who can't do anything right..." I relished in the feel of the ocean's spray. It was the only thing that was letting me know I was awake. That I wasn't dreaming this nightmare up. I felt his hands on my shoulders.

"What are you talking about?"

"I love him dad and yet all I can get from him is fleeing glimpse of emotions from him. The only time he ever seems happy is when he's fighting. I let him in, I let him hear that voice; it only made things worse. I just want to forget everything for the next few days to just distress and prepare for the Cell Games." I said looking up at the sky. I still didn't get what dad's plan was for winning the Cell Game's but he had one and I wasn't going to start doubting him now. He always kept coming to our aid for as long as I could remember.

"Eh, back up a step...what was that first part?" I could hear the confusion in his voice. Turning to look at Him I notice that he and Piccolo where standing there looking at me funny. I sighed, letting my head hang. I couldn't say it again; I didn't want to face this yet. My head was starting to pound again. Maybe I should of had that drink.

"Gohan, repeat that first part...please" it wasn't every day that you hear Piccolo say please. I looked up at him blinking, I knew I was blushing I could feel the heat on my cheeks.

"I love you Piccolo, I have for years now, there; happy I said it?" I know I was being childish but I was tried, and really my heart hurt as much as my head did. The only sound came from the ocean. It felt like an eternity and still no one talked.

**\\ You're such a pussy, you can't even face the person you claim to love, you're a sad excuse for a saiyan. You have no courage, you're just a coward. You're good for nothing but letting others down\\** I didn't bother fighting to hid the tears. I didn't have the strength to fight the voice about. I just wanted to go home, get my mp3 and drowned out my thoughts to music. I could still feel the two standing behind me. I didn't know what they were waiting for. "Look if you two are going to just stay silent about, that's fine with me but I'm going to head home and start on the homework mom has waiting for me... if you want to talk about it, you know where to find me" I said before taking off from them at full speed though I knew that I couldn't beat dad getting anywhere anymore.

**\\ You know if you really want out could always take a knife and cut your wrists, it's what you deserve after all\\** I pretended that I didn't hear the voice. Instead I had a plan of my own I was forming. I would fight Cell before my father; let myself take a beating for fallowing my heart, it only ever seemed to get me in trouble. I deserve the pain. I crossed the line that should have never been crossed, I admitted it not only to Piccolo but to my dad. I must be a disgrace in their eyes. Who wants a gay son or student; no wonder they didn't say anything to me.

Landing outside the house I walked in. "Mom I'm home, I'm going to my room to study, call me when Dinner's ready" I called out heading up stairs before she could say anything. Once in my room, leaned against the door for a moment; before opening my window for some air as I got down to study while listening to my mp3 player via headphones at full blast.

Sad thing was is that during the nine days leading up to the Cell games, I didn't see Piccolo and I saw little of Dad and Krillen besides the one day when we went fishing. During that time I did nothing but study and isolate myself from everyone. Dad didn't try to talk to me about what happen, though I did over he and mom talk about it. She cried, still does but never in front of me. I think she pretends that it's all a bad dream, that it wasn't true. It hurt to know that I couldn't be accepted for being myself.

_and heaven does enough __  
__you think you know it __  
__and it uses you __  
_

The morning of the games came. I didn't sleep the night before, the nightmares where just too much for me to handle. I looked over the two outfits on my bed. One that was similar to my father's outfit, the other was like the one Piccolo wore. I couldn't decide which to ware or if I show just ware something else. With much hesitation I put on the purple gi. After last week, it seemed wrong to wear the outfit. I vowed that after today, I would never fight again.

I'd be the scholar that mom wanted me to be. At least then, I didn't have too much to live up to with the expectations. I just pull on the shoulder pads and cape dad came into my room. I looked at the floor; I couldn't handle looking at him. "Hey champ, looking sharp, you ready for the Cell Games?" I nodded. I grabbed my mp3 as we left the room. I listened to it as I followed Dad. As the others joined our group, I was ignored, that was till Piccolo joined the group.

"How have you been holding up kid?" I sighed watching the ground below me.

"Like I've live the last day eight times over..." I whispered. **'it's not easy being crazy and ignored by everyone...That's why after this fight, I'm done, I'm going to go to school and stop my training. I'm not welcomed' **I added through our mind link. He looked at me with shock.

'**Gohan, where in all of hell did you get that idea from?'** I stopped flying. The only one who noticed was Piccolo. He watched me carefully, I ran a hand though my hair as I sighed again.

"When I said I loved you and go nothing but silence from you till today and even then it still wasn't about that, just how I was doing. Honestly, I rather be dead because I wouldn't be in any pain, like I am now." I said softly, for the first time in over a week I looked into his eyes. I got lost in their depths, seconds later I was able to take my eyes off his.

I felt his fingers hook under my chin lifting my head up. Before I could say anything his lips claimed mine. It was a deep passionate kiss that left me breathless by the time he pulled back. "Your father and I had a lot to talk about since then. After the Cell games we'll talk about it, but for now, we really need to catch up with the others and Gohan, I'm glad you still chose to wear that Gi." He said kissing me one last time before racing to catch up to the others. I rolled my eyes, fallowing after him.

We caught up in time for the others just in time to land before Cell. Fear and foreboding filled me and memories of my dreams came flooding back. I managed to keep it hidden from the others but I couldn't keep it from the voice, that laughed at it.

**\\ Your going to die, you know that right? You'll fight him and you'll fail, getting everyone and everything killed. You really should have taken the easy way out and kill yourself. Then you wouldn't have the others watch you fight and lose hope at living through today.\\**

**/ Are you ever positive about anything?/**

**\\ Yeah, your death today\\** I couldn't breathe at that one. How could I? Who could after hearing someone say that to them? I blinked looking over at a man standing several yards away from us, looking at us as if we all just grew second heads. I nudged dad and nodded over towards the man.

"Oh man...he's not really going to fight Cell is he?" he asked laughing nervously. I nodded. It wasn't hard to pick up the guy's intention.

"Yeah but he's not as stupid as he looks, he knows he can't win against Cell but he also can't let his fans down" I said still watching the man, I felt sorry for him. He was in an impossible situation, to make matters worse for him; a camera crew was filming his every move.

It didn't take long for the man and his two students to be swatted away by Cell. With any luck they were still alive and would just stay out of the way of the real fights. I blinked as Dad started walking towards the ring already. "Dad?"

"If you guys don't mind, I wouldn't mind starting things off." I could not only feel my own shock but that of everyone on the team. None of us expected dad to start of things, he was normal the last of us to fight. I was more nervous than before, what was he planning for this fight. I didn't know what to expect anymore.

"Gohan please tell me you know what your dad has planned but cause this doesn't make sense from what you and my mom told me about him." I looked up at Trunks. I must have been some teacher in his time to have him look up to me like that.

"I'm sorry Trunks but dad didn't fill me in on anything. I'm just as clueless about it as the rest of you are." I said turning my attention towards the ring as things started off. "Though if I had to take a guess... Dads measuring how strong Cell really is to see who is the best of one of us to fight him...no that's not right; dads measuring Cell up to see if I really can take Cell on and win." I whispered. That was the plan wasn't it. For me to become stronger than dad in the time chamber so I could fight Cell. He was trusting the fate of the world on the vast wells of reserved energy that I have locked inside me and my ability to control it, which I doubt I could do.

"Gohan do you know how nuts that sounds?" he whispered back. I nodded watching at Cell divide into 4 parts that all went charging for dad. I bit my lip as I watched. I didn't get why dad was holding back so much. He should have easily taken care of Cell by now. Cell wasn't even all that powerful. Hell I think I was more scared of Frieza then I was of Cell and that was saying something since Frieza almost killed dad.

_I saw so many things __  
__but like a dream __  
__always losing me in a cloud __  
_

I watched as Dad sent several hundred ki blasts at Cell, only for Cell to repel them with a force field. "Go ahead Goku, have those friends of yours throw you a sensu bean and we can really start this match" I heard dad laugh. Had he lost his mind during the fight? Now was not the time to be laughing.

"Nah, I concede the match Cell, You win this match." The look on Cell's face match the one we all had. "However this tournament isn't over yet. We still have one warrior that's even stronger then I am. If you really want to test yourself, you'll let me call him for you" I didn't get it, who was stronger than dad? I wasn't so who was?

"Send forward this warrior and we shall though I really see what difference this will make, this planets fate is already sealed." Cell laughed as he landed. Dad smirked and headed over to us.

"What in the name of hell was that, Kakarot?"

"What? I knew walking into that fight I wasn't going to be the one to beat Cell. I just wanted to know if my hunch was right. You ready to do this Gohan?" I backed away from him shaking my head. He and Cell where holding back, there's no why I could fight Cell and win, even if I could tap into my hidden power.

"Goku have you lost your mind? He's not ready for this kind of battle." Krillen asked, I think we were all thinking the same thing.

"You're wrong Krillen, Gohan's more than ready for this. He's the one who made the difference in the fight with Raditz, he helped you guys stall Nappa and Vegeta for me to get back here, he made huge strides against Frieza. If you saw what I did in the time chamber, you wouldn't have and doubt in your mind about this. Tell me Gohan did you see anything that Cell throw at me that you couldn't handle?" I blinked.

"Not yet but that's only because you two were holding back." I said meekly. I still wasn't convinced about this. "What?" I noticed the stares I was getting.

"I want to watch whatever fight you were Gohan, to the rest of us... it didn't look like they were holding back at all." Trunks muttered out

"You guys show right, well at least with me, I can't talk for Cell but I wasn't holding back out there Gohan. Tell me; where you comparing us to your power, weren't you?" I nodded dully looking at the ground. "Gohan I told you, we did what we set out to do in the time chamber, you're stronger then I am. You can do this I know you can. All you have to do is beat him, then we all can go home."

"Okay dad... I'll do it but I still say you're making a mistake about this." I said taking off the shoulder pads, letting them drop to the ground.

"Gohan, this is nuts, you know that, you're the smartest one here. Don't just go along with Goku's plan because he asks. You shouldn't throw your life away just to humor him." I looked at Trunks and smiled. I guess it was one I gave him in his time because he suddenly went pale. There was a haunted look in his eyes. I walked to the edge of the cliff and floated down to where Cell was.

"This is your warrior Goku? Your Son? Are you really that egger to have your son die already?"He asked. It sounded like he too was question just how sane my father was with this little plan of his.

"Don't let him fool you Cell. If you can beat him, there is no one on this planet strong enough to challenge you like your hoping for. Here, eat it! It's the only way you're going to stand a fair chance in this fight."

"Goku are you Crazy?" I had to agree with that question, why would dad give Cell a sensu been if we're trying to save the planet. No the planet has nothing to do with this, he was testing me, he wanted to know the full limit of what I could do. He didn't really care what happened to the planet rate now.

"Thank you Goku, you're such a good sport, for it, I think I'll repay it by killing your son painlessly for it, fair is fair" He said with a chuckle before he ate the bean. I walked towards Cell. I still doubted that I could kill him.

**\\ Let me out and I swear I'll make him pay for hurting everyone that he has. I'll end this once and for all. \\** I was tempted to give into the voice but I knew better, once I gave over control to him, there was no coming back from it. I wouldn't exist anymore and the darkness that I harbored for my whole life would be free to do whatever it wishes. I would become the next threat to the earth. What irony, the light that saves the world only turns out to be its waking nightmare.

Punches came at me, fast and furious. I stayed on the defensive. What was the point of fighting back when I would be the next darkness that plagues Earth. It's better to have an enemy that you know then once you didn't right? So what was wrong with having Cell stay where he is? At least everyone knew where he stood.

"Goku you know this is wrong on so many levels. I know you know why he doesn't fight back, how could you do that to him?"

"Relax Piccolo, once he's mad, it'll all be over, he'll win and the Earth will be safe."

"Does he know that plan? Even if he did, you know why that he'll refuse to let himself get mad down there." I closed my eyes for a second, only to get sent flying from the punch into a pile of rocks. It was nice, the feeling of pain washing throughout me wasn't so bad. It felt right, like I deserved it. Piccolo was right though I wouldn't let myself get in attached to this fight, too much was riding on me staying in control to risk it. I'm sorry dad but I not the hero that you want me to be.

I didn't bother putting up much of a fight, I let Cell use me as his punching bag. It felt too good to pass up. Out of the corner of my eye I could see the looks on everyone's face. Not even Vegeta could handle standing there watching this. Do I really mean something to them other than being Goku's son who they have to babysit in battles?

I dodged the next blow Cell through at me. I couldn't handle seeing that kind of pain on their faces as they watch Cell beat on me even though I wanted it. It wasn't fare to them. I was going to make my stand, at least if I died fighting, they would understand that at least I gave it my all.

"If you really want this to get more interesting for yourself Cell, make him mad. It's the only way you can unlock his power. He can't tap into otherwise." I couldn't believe what I just heard. Betrayal was the only way I could describe what went through me. Was dad really trying to get me and the planet killed?

"What's he talking about boy?" Cell growled out. I sighed. So much for not being able to not getting emotionally attached to the fight.

"Ever since I was little anytime I got really mad, things would happen around me that I couldn't explain then, like my uncles ship exploding when I saw him beat on my dad, or when I nearly killed Nappa when he killed Piccolo before my eyes. That's Dad's grand plan to destroy you. He's betting everything on that; when I'm pushed into losing control, that the power that will be unleased from it will be more then even you can handle." I said looking at the ground again. My fists clenched so tightly that I felt the blood coating my fingers.

"Like I could believe that but for the sake of arguing, let's say it's true. Why tell the enemy that, especially one who wants to see that for themselves. Someone like me for instance." I didn't flinch. I knew he would want to see it the second he knew about it.

"Goku you're a real asshole, you know that right? Using Gohan like that, you're lucky it hasn't warped him yet." I wanted to laugh at what Yamcha said because he didn't know that it already has warped me. I really wonder what they all would do if learned that I have another personality that lives within me; one that wanted to kill and harm those around him.

That's how the new round of this match started. Cell beating on me trying to piss me off, it made me want to laugh. Like I care what happened about myself. The only way he could do that was if he went after those who were standing on the sidelines watching this fight. I felt Cell pull me against him, squeezing me, trying to crush me. I screamed. The pain in my body matched and combined with the pain from my head. I didn't know if I could take it anymore.

**\\ Damn it! Let me take over and I'll save our life. I'll make him pay for hurting us, for everything he did Gohan. All you have to do I stop holding me back.\\ **I wanted to give into it so badly but what would the point be to kill Cell, only to take his place. I couldn't believe it when Cell suddenly dropped me. Looking up I saw 16 had a hold on Cell.

"Run Gohan, get back, I'm going to self destruct and take Cell with me. Get to safty." I could believe my ears. Why was he going to do that just to save me? The look on his face was that of peace. I couldn't understand it, yet on some level I did.

"I'm sorry 16, but you can't blow up, the bomb you had has been removed when Bulma and her dad did the repairs on you. We thought it would be safe in the long run...I'm sorry" Krillen said. I knew what was coming next; which was the real horror of watch Cell attacking 16, blowing him up. Fear was the last thing I saw on 16's face before I lost sight of him in the explosion. Tears welled up in my eyes. I couldn't move. 16 didn't deserve that fate. He was kind, gentle and he cared about nature. He didn't even do anything wrong.

"This is a real drag, if you're not even going to show me your real power then you can watch your friends and father die before I kill you along with this planet." It didn't sink in what he was saying. I listened as he counted to 7. I watched as he made 7 miniature clones of himself that charged at the other standing at the cliff.

"Didn't we tell you he wasn't ready for this Goku. He's not you. He doesn't live for the next fight." Piccolo growled to dad just before the seven Cell Jr. were on them. How do I stop them from killing my friends without having to fight Cell along with them? Everyone was right about this, I wasn't ready for this fight. I even knew that walking into this fight.

"This is still boring, kill them, I'm done with waiting." Cell said just before we heard a thud coming from between us.

_cause I couldn't cry __  
__cause I turned away __  
__couldn't see the score __  
_

The head of 16 landed just before me. I blinked. I didn't get why he would have such a serine look on his face. "It's okay Gohan. Let go. My scanners alerted me to your power. Cell is evil. He won't just stop here by killing the Earth but he'll travel though space harming everyone and everything. You can change that. Please, protect the innocents of this world, the nature that I have come to love so much. It's okay to get angry and to unleash it. Let it be your weapon to stop this nightmare." Before I could even say anything back I watch Cell's foot crush what was left of 16. The memory chip landed just before me. The tears rolled faster and faster down my face as I watched the light flicker.

"Well that's the end of his interfering." Cell said just as the light went out. Anger and grief flooded through me. I couldn't take it anymore. 16 was too pure and innocent for that kind of end. I screamed in anger and in sorrow for him. I wouldn't forget him and his sacrifice he made, he was a true friend and once I was honored to call a friend. I vow 16 I would make him pay for what he did to you.

_didn't know the pain __  
__of leaving yesterday really far behind __  
_

"I told you guys everything would be fine once Gohan tapped into that power, he even broke through to the next level of super saiyan." I heard dad laugh weakly. I looked at the bag of sensu beans in Cell's hand. I told them back, faster than I was betting he was use to. It only served to piss him off further. I looked at the miniature Cell's letting my anger boil over seeing the damage they did. My head no longer hurt, nor was I hearing the voice talking to me. I smirked. I was going to make them all pay for what they did. Cell was going to pay for what he did.

I made quick work of killing the clones. They weren't my real target. "There is no way he was holding back that much power."

"Damn it Vegeta. You, me, Piccolo and Goku knew about this. This isn't the first time we watched him snap in combat. My only question is, is it enough to kill Cell?"

"Relax Krillen, Gohan's still holding back on his power." I heard them I wanted to growl at them.

"That's because your son has greater strength of will then any of us. That however is slipping, He's losing control of not only how power but himself. I'm not worried about Gohan beating Cell, never have. I'm more worried about whether or not we'll get our Gohan back at the end of this. Damn It Goku, you knew his mind wasn't stable and you still sent him into this hell." I laughed landing before them keeping my back to them. I tossed the bag over my shoulder to Trunks.

"Pass these out to everyone, who was pathetic enough to fall to such weak creatures and be quick about it." I said coldly still chuckling about what Piccolo said. Leave it to my mentor to figure out what losing control meant in this fight. "Is this want you wanted Father? Your final test for your little son to see what he was truly made of? Congratulations, you got your wish without even having to go after the dragon balls." I didn't bother waiting for an answer. I already knew I would only get silence from him at the moment. I wasn't his Gohan at the moment; probably never again will I be his sweet, gentle Gohan.

I walked towards Cell letting my power level be felt by the creature before me. I wanted not only to break his will but torture him for everything he did.

**/Stop it, this isn't right. Just kill him and be done with it. Just end this so we can go him./**

**\\ Shut up you pathetic wimp.\\** I was going to enjoy this more than anything else in the world, well for now at the moment. I chuckled as I walked towards him "What's wrong Cell, I thought this is what you wanted? To see if the story was true; to see if I had this power or not, so don't tell me your done fighting now that you brought it out." I taunted him darkly. I was going to enjoy inflicted pain on him, tenfold the pain that he gave me.

"Why you..." He couldn't think up anything.

I laughed as I charged at him. Two punches was all it took to cause him you puke up 18. He lost his ticket to his perfect form. I laughed at him. "To think such a wretched parasite made grown men fear for their lives, yet you cower to a child; despicable." I snorted, sneering down at him. I liked the feel of it. No wonder Frieza and uncle did it all the time. It was empowering and invigorating.

"Gohan end this. You've won and he knows it. Don't let him recover. There's no telling what he could do now that he knows he can't win." I ignored dad. He was getting in the way of my fun. "Damn it Gohan now is not the time for this."

"Now is the perfect time for this. He's going to get a taste of what it was like for us over the last 2 weeks. He's going to know the pain he's caused so many people." I shouted back to him bitterly. My anger burned hotter at the thought of him crushing 16's head. I don't think I will even be able to let it go. He promised everything would be okay and I wasn't going to let him down. I watched Cell stand, still recovering from losing 18. I smirked walking towards him again. I wasted little time getting to him before I started pounding on him.

"Yamcha, know when you where saying that Goku was lucky that Gohan was warped by his power, Both you and Goku should take a good look down there. His body can handle that power, always could, it was his mind that couldn't handle it. He's still half saiyan but he's half human too."

"His mind was the more human than his body was...but I don't get it; in my time, Gohan was never like this."

"No Trunk, you're wrong about that. He was; the only difference was is that in your time, everyone that was his trigger was already dead. The only way for it to be unleashed was for your death but either way, you still wouldn't have seen this. Damn it Gohan...You better come back after this fight..."

"Have you realized it yet Kakarot? That your son it playing with Cell like he's a doll. You better hope that he can stop himself after he kills cell because if he can't, the world is as good as gone. We stood a better fucking chance against Cell then Gohan." I laughed listening to their conversation. So they were getting it now. I stood waiting for Cell to regenerate again so I could repeat the process again.

_in another life __  
__in another dream __  
__by a different name __  
__gave it all away __  
__for a memory __  
__and a quiet lie __  
_

Cell landed before me and started to expand. I started to walk towards him again. "Go ahead Kid. Touch me, it'll just destroy you and this planet all the faster." Cell laughed out. I blinked not sure if he was bluffing out not. His body kept getting larger. He was really going to blow himself up just to kill me. I froze. I didn't know what to do.

"Damn it... Gohan why didn't you just kill him when you had the chance?"

"You know why Goku. That's not you son who's in control down there. He told you about the voice he hears, it takes over when he can't handle it. That's the trade, sanity for lesser power, insanity for higher power. His mind did it to protect his fragile innocents."

"You saying Gohan has multiple personalities? That's nuts!" I didn't know why Krillen sounded so shocked about it, he was there with me watching what Frieza and his men did to that village. He was there when Piccolo was killed by Nappa.

"Thirty seconds, till the end is here, say your final goodbyes" I sank to my knees. The anger died away long with that power. I messed up. The other me should have listened, should have killed Cell when he had the chance. We wouldn't be here if I didn't give into my anger. I slammed my fist into the ground.

A shadow suddenly came over me. Looking up, dad was standing just in front of Cell. I knew what he was going to do. He was going to teleport himself and Cell away before he could destroy earth. He was going to get himself killed, again, save me. Again I was going to be the ultimate reason why he dies.

"I'm proud of you Gohan, you did great today. I love you son, take good care of your mother and Piccolo for me." with that he was gone.

"DAD!" I screamed I couldn't help it. I lost use of all my power I could call on it. I was crying, for him and 16. "No dad...why? Why did you leave me here like this?" I whispered into the wind. I couldn't understand it.

"I don't get it why did Gohan's power drop off. It's like he's dead?" I hear Trunks asked. Their voice's where getting louder. I flinched again from the first touch on my shoulder.

"Because my emotions control my power... dad figured that anger would unleash it, that total grief would seal it. What better way to do that than watching my father died again just to protect me?" I whispered darkly. I didn't care about trying to hide it now, they knew I wasn't stable. I wouldn't be surprised if they take me to an insane asylum and left me there to rot.

"Gohan, you know your dad loved you. He did it because he couldn't see any other way out of that mess without us all dying. Don't be so hard on yourself." I looked up at Krillen, he backed off a few steps.

"If I had listened to him, Cell would have been dead and that whole mess would have been avoided to begin with. It's my fault he's dead."

"Gohan, your right, but you're not going to be able to change what has been done. Beating yourself up about it isn't going to do you any good either." I looked up at Piccolo. He had on his unreadable face. With a heavy sigh I got back up on my feet, as Krillen picked up 18.

_and I felt the face __  
__of a cold tonight __  
__still don't know the score __  
_

A sudden scream from Trunks erupted sharply and died suddenly. We all looked over at him to see him fall to the ground with a gaping hole in his chest. I looked to the opposite side of where Trunks laid to see Cell standing before us, once again in his perfect form. I growled as the anger once again exploded within me.

I was about to attack when Vegeta powered up, charging at Cell with everything he had. I got where he was coming from yet I didn't. I didn't know what it was like to lose a child. I could only imagine just how much worse the pain was for him. I let him have his moment. He deserved it. I watched as Cell bated him away before aiming a blast at him, getting ready to killing him. I moved, I'd be damned if I lost anyone else today to Cell's hands. I got there in time to save Vegeta's life but at the cost of using my left arm. Before he could say anything, I pulled myself to my feet to face Cell. I lost much more than just the use of my left arm. My power was drastically reduced.

"Gohan...I'm sorry... I was useless." I knew it was bad. He knew that I wasn't going to be able to pull out a win. Even the other voice stayed silent, no longer begging to take Cell on like he had when Vegeta moved to attack. Silently I cursed; I had to think of some way to pull out a win. I got a second change to do this right; I wasn't going to mess this up. My eyes widen as he pulled his arms back to do Dads signature move. The masenko was stronger but it couldn't out last the kamahamaha wave if done right. That left me one option to use, the same attack. Though I doubt it was going to work. I barely master it with two hands, how was I going to pull it off with the use of only one arm.

_but I know the pain __  
__of leaving everything really far behind __  
_

'**Gohan can you hear me?'** I knew I was crazy but this was new one even for me. Having dad's voice torturing me for getting him killed.** 'Damn it Gohan answer me!'**

"I can hear you dad..." I whispered in both my head and aloud.

'**Good, now I need you to focus Gohan, you can still do this. You're still stronger than he is, you just don't see it yourself yet.'** He sounded so sure. I didn't know how he could be. I killed him and my injury had dropped my power. I really don't think I had anything more in me to give that I didn't know about.

"But dad... I just don't have the power you think I do."

'**What the hell happened to my Gohan who didn't know the meaning of quiting? You didn't back down against Raditz, against Vegeta and Nappa, against Frieza, so why start now?'** I felt my eyes widen. I refused to give up then, finding a way to fight through my fears, so why couldn't I do that against Cell. I focused on gathering energy into my hand. Seconds later Cell released the attack towards me. I had no choice but to hope that I could pull off the kamahamaha wave with only one hand. I fired it back at Cell's blast trying to defend not only myself but the whole earth.

I closed my eyes trying to get work through the pain that was ringing through my body coming from my arm. When I opened my eyes again I could see that Cell's attack was winning out against mine. **'Gohan focus, turn that anger on, fight. Don't let my death or 16's be in vain. You are the only one who can do this Gohan. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for Piccolo.' **I knew what he was trying to get at.

I felt Piccolo's energy rise as he attacked Cell. He was joined by Tien, Yamcha and Krillen. I didn't know what they were trying to do but they were only managing to piss Cell off. Suddenly Vegeta joined in with their efforts.

'**NOW GOHAN! Release everything; don't worry about the Earth, we can restore it with the Dragon balls.'** It wasn't what Dad said that unleashed every ounce of power I had. It was watching Piccolo trying so hard to make their plan work, getting back up every time Cell knocked him back down. With a scream of frustration and rage, my attack not over whelmed Cell's attack but it killed him. Slowly I lost hold of my super saiyan state, falling to the ground. I didn't have the energy to move, every part of my body hurt badly.

"Gohan..." I heard Piccolo's voice. It sounded tense as if he was afeard that final attack had killed me. Slowly and painfully I managed to open my eyes, looking up at him. I managed to bear through the pain to smile at him. "Just hold on a little longer, okay kid? We'll get you to Dende and he'll have you back up in no time" it was the last thing I really remember hearing as the darkness washed over me, but it wasn't the last thing I felt. It was the heat and the feel of soft leather like skin picking me up that replaced the pain in both my body and soul.

_and if I could cry __  
__and if I could live what truth I did then take me there __  
__heaven goodbye_

I opened my eye to find myself on the lookout, surrounded by everyone. I blinked not sure why they all looked so worried. Then it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I looked down at my lap, my hands closed into fists as tears started to flow again. They all now knew the secret that I had kept for years, now it was what they would do now that they knew about it. I blinked seeing a bottle of beer the suddenly appeared before me, held out to me by a green hand. Blinking, I looked up at Piccolo who smiled back at me.

"After that fight Gohan, you earned it, no one here is going to say anything about it. We all know what happened." I nodded taking it from him. I laughed weakly as Dende hugged me, I hugged back on handed before opening the bottle up taking a slow drink from it. I looked over at 18 who Krillen was still looking after. She still hadn't woken up yet. I nudged Dende and pointed to 18

"I think she needs your help, don't worry, I won't let her hurt you when she wakes up." I said to him not bothering to get up just yet. Sitting while having a drink felt good. Piccolo sat beside me watching me carefully. **'You seem like you're worried about something.'** I said mentally to him, keeping an eye on 18.

'**I'm worried about you; I thought I almost lost you during that fight. I didn't spend the last nine days trying to prove to your father that I love you only to lose you before I had the chance to say anything to you about it.'** I looked at him blinking. I didn't think I meant anything to him besides being a friend to him. It felt like a dream that was about to turn dark any second now. I was about to say something when 18 sat up and everyone backed away from her.

"Where am I? What happened to Cell?" she asked hostilely. She reminded me of Vegeta when we first met him. I looked over at him as he sat with Trunks' body not paying attention to anything around him. I got up and walked over to him and Trunks. No words were needed between us, I hugged him sitting with him and Trunks.

"You're on the lookout. We brought you hear after Cell puked you up in his fight with Gohan. You don't have to worry anymore about Cell, Gohan killed him" I heard Krillen say with a nervous laugh trying to keep the peace with her. I didn't look over, nothing I did would make much of a difference at the moment and well, I didn't want to leave Trunks' side yet.

"You should really thank Krillen 18, he protected you after you were freed from Cell." Tien said from Krillen's side.

"You think that just because you did that I would be all over you?" she asked darkly. I sighed getting up walking over to the group. I didn't want things today to get any worse than they already are.

"He didn't expect that from you 18, he did it because he loves you and didn't want to see something bad happen to you, whether or not you return his feelings."I said walking up to them.

"Gohan shut up, you're not helping anything here" he muttered to me. Rolling my eyes I took another drink from the bottle. I could see the shock on her face as she looked over him. Sooner or later she'll realize she loves him back but for now, it only disturbs her to think she can fall in love. She took off without saying anything.

"She deserved the truth of why you protected her Krillen it's the only way you're going to stand any chance of being with her. Besides don't you think it's time that we use the Dragon Balls to fix the damage that Cell left behind in his wake." I said looking over at Trunks. We gathered around the dragon balls that Mr. Popo brought out. I stood at Piccolo's side holding onto his hand as we watched the other's call on the dragon.

"Speak your first wish"

"Shenron: we wish for all those who were killed by Cell to be brought back to life." Krillen said. I don't know when he became the speaker for us on the wishes but rate now I was glad that it wasn't me.

"Your wish has been granted. Speak your second wish now."

"If it worked why can't I feel Goku's energy?" Yamcha asked.

"He was already brought back to life once with this dragon, so he can't be brought back a second time. We would have to go to Namek if we wanted to wish him or any of you back minus Piccolo since he's no longer tide to the dragon balls." I said watching Trunks and Vegeta have a Father-son moment, sharing a hug.

'**Hey don't I get a say in this. Look guys, it's touching that you all want me back but I kind of like it here on this side. King Kai is planning on taking me to all the masters on this side to train under so it's not like I'll have nothing to do. Bulma told me something years ago that stuck with me. She said I was a magnet for all the bad guys and she was right. The Earth and all of you will be safer if I remain here. I know this is hard to take for all of you, but Gohan I'm proud of you and you can stop blaming yourself for this. It's my choice don't worry about telling your mother about this, I already told her. I'm sorry guys but I'll see you all again when your time is up, till then; take care'** I look down at the ground not sure how I felt about all of this, the only thing I could do was just take it one step at a time at the moment

"I'm still waiting" the dragon sounded just as chocked up about that goodbye as the rest of us.

"If no one's go a wish, I got one, I kind of want to get my new girlfriend a new necklace." Yamcha said. I had a wish, to have 16 restored, he didn't deserved the fate he got.

"Shenron; can you remove the bombs from 17 and 18's bodies?" we all looked at Krillen blinking.

"Your wish has been granted. I bid you farewell" with that the dragon was gone.

"I'm sorry to hog the wish Yamcha but I just didn't think it was right for anyone to walk around with bombs in their chest." I took another drink from the beer walking inside of the building not really caring what they talked about rate now. I headed for the Kitchen to grab another beer.

"Gohan, want to talk about it?" I looked at Piccolo while leaning against the counter, opening up the second bottle.

"There's nothing to talk about, dad made his choice, no matter what the rest of us think about it." I sighed. "I wanted to ask you something though, you planning on living up here now that Cell is gone?" I needed to know where I could find him. I couldn't handle not knowing.

"Yeah, that's the plan, why?" I walked towards him, wrapping my arms around him, letting myself relax against him.

"Because I want to stay with you, I can't handle going back home. I'm haunted enough by my own mind, I don't need mom's help with that or seeing his ghost everywhere I look." I whispered against him. I he was the last safety net I had and I didn't want to lose it. I love him, enough where if he told me to go I would. I felt him wrap his arms around me holding me to him.

"I'd like that Gohan, We'll talk to your mom about it tomorrow but for rate now, you need to rest while you can." I nodded against him closing my eyes. For the first time in years, I finally knew what peace was. The voice wasn't talking and I was in the tender embrace from the one I loved most of all. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I do know that I have the strength to face it now that I know that I finally have Piccolo's love. Where ever dad is in heaven, I know it's where he belongs and where he can truly be happy, and with that, I can be happen here in my own slice of heaven within the darkness of life.


End file.
